I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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