Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
