4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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