dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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