I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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