Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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