ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
