I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So much rum. So many feels.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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