Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
