I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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