That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
