apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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