how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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