WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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