Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
