Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
