the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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