I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
