Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
