so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
