my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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