he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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