I am puke
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
