I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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