How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
