One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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