giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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