you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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