I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
