I think im going to throw up on grandma
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
