I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
