maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
