The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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