My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
