So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
