it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
