drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
