Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Randomize
