You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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