Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
