I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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