Sober January is a disaster.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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