What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
