Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize