If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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