glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize