I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
