One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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