Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
