i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
