my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
