i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
