i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
