Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
