i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dignity is for republicans.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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