And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
