so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
