I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
