batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
