Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize