What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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