it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
